


They Come Knocking Like Hearts Asking

by the_rck



Series: House of Sulfur and Mercury [1]
Category: Chronicles of Amber - Roger Zelazny
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Babies, Captivity, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-07
Updated: 2016-08-07
Packaged: 2018-08-07 08:03:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7706941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_rck/pseuds/the_rck
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"It wasn’t until much, much later that it occurred to me that it had actually been hugely convenient for her. Maybe it wasn’t Luke who left me to starve. But it was Luke who put retrieving me in his mother’s hands."</p><p>Merlin wants to live. Jasra wants other things.</p>
            </blockquote>





	They Come Knocking Like Hearts Asking

**Author's Note:**

> Title from W.S. Merwin's "The Ships Are Made Ready In Silence."
> 
> Beta read by James.
> 
> The series this is part of contains branching AUs. An explanation of the splits can be found [here](http://somethingdarker.dreamwidth.org/36076.html).

Of all the things Luke could have done, leaving me to starve was the one I thought least likely. I think that's why it took me so long to admit it was happening, and when I did, I kept assuring myself that he’d come soon.

By the end of the first week after the food ran out, I couldn't hold human form. I fought that. I probably should have embraced it. I might have kept my mind longer. I don’t know if it would have changed anything, but… Might have beens.

But I'm kind of glad not to remember eating my clothes and my bedding and the wooden casks that had held water. I'm told that, when someone finally came, I was doing a fair job of eating the floor. That's not a place I could have gone on my own.

I should be grateful that Jasra was, herself, a shapeshifter. She recognized that thing as me rather than as something that had eaten me, and she took the time necessary to bring me back to myself. Weeks or months, I'm not sure.

I came back to myself in male human form. I suspect I hadn't reliably held form because I was in an enameled tub. There were heavy metal cuffs on my wrists, and I felt too weak to move, so I closed my eyes and drifted off again.

When I woke again, I was in a bed, naked, with the cuffs still weighing down my wrists. My brain was working better this time, so I tried everything I could think of to escape, but I could hardly stand, and none of my powers would answer, not even the most minor magic. I was still a prisoner.

A silent man brought me trousers and food and water. I considered the risk of poison, but if they wanted to drug me or kill me, there wasn't anything I could do anyway. I ate. The man brought me more food and still refused to speak.

Two or three days passed that way. The light never changed, so I had to guess based on when the man brought me clean clothes. I desperately wanted a wash, but that didn't seem to be on offer. I tried to be grateful for the toilet. It didn't stink the way the pit in the cave had.

Jasra always made an entrance, even if the audience was merely a grungy prisoner. At that moment, I had no idea who she was, but I was at least a little stunned. She was beautiful, and I could taste power in the air as she moved. It's not hard to see what drew Brand to her.

When she came in, I was sitting on the stool that the silent man had brought me when I asked for something to sit on. I considered getting up, but I didn’t want to give her that, so I just looked up at her.

She looked at me like I was something she’d scraped off her shoe. “Rinaldo asked me to fetch you. I can’t say that I see the point.”

I blinked. It took me a moment to connect Rinaldo to Luke. I let my wariness show, but I put on the most harmless, foolish expression I could manage behind it. “That was kind of him.” Even naive Merlin could allow some irony into that. “A little sooner would have been nice.”

“A little less inconvenient, too.”

It wasn’t until much, much later that it occurred to me that it had actually been hugely convenient for her. Maybe it wasn’t Luke who left me to starve. But it was Luke who put retrieving me in his mother’s hands.

“Ah. Yes. I apologize. It wasn’t my intention.” Which was true as far as it went. I wasn’t sure there was any way to get around her, and I still wasn’t sure who she was or how she was connected to Luke. Mother? Sister? Lover? Daughter? I considered asking, but I wasn’t ready to feel that vulnerable.

She walked closer then around me. Her skirt brushed my arm as she passed.

I knew she was making a point about her power. I also knew that she expected me to react to it without understanding it, so I leaned away from her then sat bolt upright and very, very still as she continued to move.

She stopped behind me. “You might clean up acceptably.”

I didn’t allow myself a flinch, but I did inhale sharply to show that I wasn’t a complete fool. No matter who she was to Luke, I couldn’t see him liking that, but he wasn’t there. “What would I get for that?” I asked her softly.

“What I decide to give you. Do you think you have anything I can’t take?”

I knew she couldn’t see my face, so I closed my eyes and wished I was religious enough to pray to the Abyss or to the Unicorn. “Possibly not,” I admitted. “I doubt I could do much for you in that direction right now, though. I still get worn out crossing the room.” And I would play that for time for as long as she allowed me.

Somehow, this felt different than considering seducing Luke. Maybe it was that, in spite of everything, I still sort of liked Luke. He was an asshole who had betrayed me-- I pretended that that thought didn’t feel like a knife in the gut-- but he hadn’t changed his personality in order to get close to me.

“I can wait.” She touched my back, and I wondered if this was why the silent man hadn’t ever brought me a shirt.

“If--” I swallowed hard. “It seems like knowing your name might be a better first step.”

She swept around in front of me. “I am Jasra,” she announced.

The name meant nothing to me.

She frowned minutely. “I suppose… I might be considered your aunt. I was married to your uncle.”

Luke’s mother then. “Aunt Jasra,” I said, doing my best to keep my tone respectful while still emphasizing the relationship. That sort of thing mattered in Amber. But she probably wasn’t from Amber. My bad luck.

Odd that Brand should be the only one of his siblings to marry before having a child. I wasn’t fool enough to comment on that out loud.

Her frown deepened, but I didn’t think it had anything to do with our discussion. She studied me without saying anything, and the appraisal was no longer sexual. “Corwin’s son,” she said softly. “Benedict’s grandson. Dara’s child.” She put just the slightest emphasis on the word ‘child,’ and I was pretty sure that was indicating that she knew I wasn’t human.

I thought I knew where that was going. I did my best to hide my nausea behind a smile. “I’d do you little good as Corwin’s daughter.” Except that Corwin’s daughter might give Luke a better claim to Amber’s throne once the rest of the family was dead. My mind skittered away from that option, but that ran it right into what Jasra was considering.

Jasra laughed. Then she stopped abruptly and seemed to consider that. She shook her head. “You have too much influence over Rinaldo as it is. I’m not minded to add to it.”

I tasted something bitter in my throat. I was pretty sure I’d live longer with Luke than I would with Jasra. I didn’t particularly want to be Corwin’s daughter, but I did very much want to live. But Jasra was right. Luke’s wife-- and I would have to be his wife to be useful-- might well have more influence than his mother. If I promised not to challenge her, we’d both know I was lying, and she’d have a better idea of how dangerous I could be.

I tried to smile. “So, Corwin’s son.” I took a deep breath. I was really in no position to bargain, but my position wasn’t going to get better. “What does being Corwin’s son buy me?” Even a little bit of time might give me some sort of option for escape. Maybe. I hoped.

 

*******

Jasra gave me a really nice prison, but it was still a prison. I had a bed and a garden and an exercise room and a hot tub and anything portable and harmless that I asked for, but the doors wouldn’t let me pass, and the cuffs she’d put on me blocked even more of my powers than the Blue Cave had. I was a hell of a lot more comfortable, and the food was infinitely better, but… She wasn’t going to let me go.

She didn’t visit me every day or every night, but she came often enough for me to think she valued my company as more than just a sperm donor. I worked hard to be amusing when we talked. I used every trick I knew when it came to sex with her. I kind of suspected that my stay would become a lot less pleasant if I bored her.

I didn’t, of course, stop looking for a way out. There might or might not be one, might or might not be an opportunity I could grab. I wanted, very much, to see my children no matter how unwilling I’d been to have them, but I didn’t want it enough to remain Jasra’s prisoner any longer than I had to. I had pretty good indication, seeing how Luke— Rinaldo— had come out, that she’d be a good mother, but as her belly swelled with what she told me was twins, a boy and a girl, I worried more and more about what would happen next.

I hadn’t really planned to have children. For the same reasons that Jasra wanted mine. There was the throne of Amber, the complicated politics of the Courts of Chaos, and the matter of my father’s personal Pattern. I might be a monkey wrench in plans in any of those arenas. Eventually, Jasra’s pragmatism would overcome her susceptibility to my charms and her knowledge that her son wanted me alive, and she would kill me. I was sure she wouldn’t do it until after the children were born because she’d promised I could see them and because, I suspected, she thought she might want another child after, but she wouldn’t wait long enough that the children would have any memory of me at all.

I think she knew that I knew. I think, too, she liked fucking me with both of us knowing that she not only could kill me any time but, eventually, certainly would. I can’t say that that knowledge did anything for me in that direction. I was very careful not even to think the word 'rape,' but we both knew. And we both knew that she wasn’t going to stop and that I wasn’t going to ask her to.

I’m stupid. I’m not that stupid.

She named the girl, Clarissa, and the boy, Brand. She knew I didn’t like it, but there was damn all I could do about it. The name Brand doesn’t even have any reasonable nicknames to let the kid differentiate himself. I wouldn’t have chosen Clarissa, either, but at least it’s pretty and doesn’t generally make people at both ends of reality spit in disgust when they hear it.

I hadn’t expected it, but seeing them for the first time felt like being punched in the gut. Holding them, I wanted to expand my body to wrap it around them to protect them from everything I knew was coming. I’d known I would love them, but I thought it would be distant, abstract.

I was sitting on a couch with Clarissa sleeping on my chest and Brand lying next to us with one of my fingers tight in his fist. I knew that was an accident, that he wasn’t old enough to be deliberately grasping things, but it felt like a demand for my attention, for my protection. I looked up from the infants to see Jasra watching us. I couldn’t read her expression.

I cleared my throat. I don’t usually find speaking hard, but right then… "You will love them? You will protect them? You won’t— You won’t choose what you want over what’s good for them?" She’d promised me all of that back when we’d first made our bargain, but somehow, that promise seemed less weighty in the face of real children.

She regarded me levelly for a moment. Then she stood and poured herself a drink. "You don’t look anything like him," she said, "but you remind me of… Rinaldo’s father the first time he held him." She knocked back the drink and looked at me again. Her voice, when she spoke again, was gentler than was her wont. "They’re my children, too, Merlin."

"That doesn’t always mean anything." Her decision to reproduce had been cold blooded in the extreme, so that didn’t fill me with reassurance. "They’re mine, too. Not his. Do you value them less for that?"

She considered that for a moment, and I hoped she was being honest with both of us. "Differently. Not less. Never less." Her voice was a little hoarse. She came closer and touched a hand to where my finger and Brand’s hand connected. "You don’t love them less for having them forced upon you."

I had wondered if I might. "Don’t ever— Don’t tell them that part." My mother had told me how I came to be, but she’d skipped lightly over the deception and murder involved. I got that, much later, from my father who had definitely not chosen me. "Please." Our eyes met, and I could see many iterations of her knowing that I knew and me knowing that she knew. I looked away. I wasn’t ready to look at death. I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready. 

"I won’t… risk a curse that might touch them." I hadn’t meant to say it. That curse might keep me alive longer or, at least, assure that Jasra found a way to kill me that was quick and unexpected. "I won’t go quietly, but I won’t do that." I bent my head to touch my cheek against the top of Clarissa’s head. "I would like to teach them…" I had a momentary vision of teaching a young girl to paint, of teaching her brother how to shapeshift his toes so that he could climb better. Or the other way around. I smiled. I knew it would never happen, but I smiled anyway.

Jasra touched my face. "Merlin—"

"It’s a foolish fancy. Just that." I turned my head away from her.

"Yes." She stroked my hair then moved away. 

Neither of us said anything for a while. I had nothing to say that wasn’t pleading that she wouldn’t listen to anyway, and she… I didn’t actually care what she was doing. I had no interest in anything beyond that moment. The future lurked at the edges of my awareness, and I saw little hope there.

"I didn’t think—"

I flinched a little when Jasra broke the silence, and my movement roused Brand. He opened his eyes, and I’d swear he looked directly at me. I didn’t think he was about to cry, so I said, "I’d pick you up, little man, but I’d have to put your sister down. It doesn’t mean I love you less, just that she’d cry and that I can’t deal with that."

"Merlin—" Jasra sounded impatient now.

I didn’t want to deal with her, but I didn’t have much choice. I took a deep breath. "I’m listening."

"I don’t hate you."

"I know." I did. She’d never thought that much about me. "I didn’t think it mattered." I pulled my eyes away from my son in order to look at Jasra. "I’m useful and amusing. For a while." I pressed my lips together for fear of letting something more out. I did hate her, and I was pretty sure she knew that, but saying it wasn’t going to help my case.

She met my eyes with a measuring expression. "We’ve been that honest with each other."

She wanted something from me, and I had no idea what. I’m sure that my wariness showed.

She nodded at the children. "Their interests are yours now, aren’t they?" She sounded certain, but her face told me that she wasn’t, not entirely.

"My word by whatever you care to name." My voice didn’t shake at all which rather surprised me. "But I don’t guarantee that you and I will agree on their interests. Or that they and I would if I live that long."

She rested her hands on the back of a chair, and I could see her fingers digging into the upholstery. "You’re not a terrible actor," she said, more to herself than to me. 

I wasn’t going to let this sliver of a chance pass me by. "And you’re not a fool. There’s a lot I could do for them. I don’t think anyone would ever ask me who their mother was."

Her fingers tore the fabric as her nails sharpened into claws. She was usually so very careful not to shapeshift where anyone could see that I was startled.

I backtracked. "I wouldn’t take them from you." I hoped she believed me. "Just, when they come to that age, no one would refuse my children access to the Pattern in the castle. Or to the Logrus." I didn’t think Jasra would need my help to reach my father’s Pattern, not unless he returned from wherever he had gone and learned what she’d done. If I were dead… Well, Jasra wasn’t going to tell him. "If— If I’m there, they have claim on House Sawall." And, if Jasra showed up there without me, Dara and Mandor would be much less trusting than Corwin.

Jasra’s lips twitched. "I’ve met your mother, Merlin. I have no intention of letting her anywhere near my children. Not any of them."

I raised my eyebrows. "You never mentioned that." I supposed that meant Jasra would be too smart to go near my mother once she’d killed me. I was still pretty sure that that was her intention. She was just having doubts, doubts that I wanted to water and nourish and see take over my metaphor. Maybe… But hope hurt too much. I fixed my eyes on Brand once more, watching as he hit himself in the face with a clenched fist. "There’ll be plenty of other people wanting to do that when you’re older," I told him. The names would be one barrier to them being accepted as mine later, but I wasn’t about to bring that up. I’d find a solution later if there was a later.

"She introduced me to my husband."

"Oh." That could definitely be a problem. "What House?"

"Helgrim. Before she married. Before you."

I nodded. I wondered vaguely if anything would have been different if she had met me as a baby. Probably not. Had difficulties with my mother played a role in Jasra’s treatment of me? "I would not use a child— any child— as a weapon in a war with its parents." I raised my eyes and, for the first time in her presence, let my ability, my willingness, to kill show in my expression. "I’m a bastard but not that kind."

She nodded. "Yes. I have been paying that much attention. Why do so many people think you a weak fool? Rinaldo wasn’t convinced. He thought you a different kind of fool. And I didn’t listen."

"For the same reason," I told her, "that you wanted my children. The Unicorn chose Random, but… I was bred, very deliberately, to take that throne. Better a live fool than… anything else with my throat cut. I rather expected someone— Caine or Fiona most likely— to decide I was too big a risk, simply by existing." I closed my eyes. "But not being a target… made me a target."

"Ah." That single syllable told me that she did, indeed, understand. "So you would not pursue a throne?"

"The two I know eat people." I wondered if she’d realize I meant that literally. Brand had released my finger with as little intent as he’d originally grasped it. I stroked his head and wondered how he’d react to being tickled. "I don’t know what my father and grandfather would have done if I’d wanted the throne. No one knows. The two of them together… But I note that neither of them wanted it for themselves. Benedict has lived a long time and knows what’s what. Corwin, well, Corwin came around to realizing what a terrible thing ruling would be."

"My husband claimed that Benedict found Amber limiting."

I was pretty sure that Benedict had seen death in proximity to the throne of Amber. "Possibly." I let my tone convey that I doubted it. I wasn’t sure what I’d do if one of these two grew up with that sort of ambition. Did Jasra want that? If I objected too loudly, would I lose whatever mercy she was contemplating? Did I want to live badly enough to go along with that? I thought I might, and I didn’t much like myself for it. "I might not always agree with you." 

"You really should lie." She sounded amused.

"Would you believe me?"

She didn’t answer. After a moment, she said, "If I take those off of you, what will you do?"

Hope hurt like hell. I caught myself starting to tighten the arm that held Clarissa before I woke her. I hesitated. "You have a stronger chain to hold me now," I admitted. "I won’t kill people I like for your vengeance, and I will probably still beat the shit out of Luke next time I see him. But you know, he’d be really surprised if I didn’t." I needed to visit Ghostwheel. I had no idea what he thought about me vanishing. Had he even noticed? I was pretty sure that I couldn’t do as Random had ordered and not just because Ghostwheel wouldn’t let me. He was my child, too. Every child is dangerous.

Jasra laughed. "You can try. It won’t be as easy as you think."

"Oh? I think he knows he deserves it." I kept my voice light. I was sure she knew that I wasn’t really thinking about Luke, that I was thinking that maybe, just maybe, she might let me live. I wasn’t sure what sort of promises she’d extract for it, but I’d probably make them. I might even keep them. 

I watched Clarissa sleep for a few moments before I looked up at Jasra. "Would you trust me to come back?" Would she trust me to leave? We both knew I hated this place, that I loathed her.

She studied me through narrowed eyes. Then she laughed. "If someone goes with you to make sure you don’t get killed."

"If— If. Could I stay somewhere else when I come back? These rooms are very nice, for a prison, but…" But I hated every inch of them. I’d never stop feeling trapped if I stayed. I bit my tongue to keep myself from asking if she would stop visiting my bed. I hadn’t ever wanted her there, but there had been safety in it. Would I still need that? If— If she took the cuffs off, I could stop her. I could fight her. I would almost certainly win. She was powerful, but she didn’t have my resources. "We both know the lengths I’ll go to in order to— Well. We both know that I want very badly to live."

"We both also know there are things you won’t do." She hadn’t moved from where she’d been standing.

"What’s the price, Jasra?" The question was sharper than I’d intended. "I’d like to… If you’re going to kill me later, just go away and leave me with my children for a while because I won’t get much. If you’re going to… do something else, please, just do it. They’re the most beautiful babies ever, and I’m not giving them the attention they deserve."

She came around the chair and sat down. "I haven’t decided yet."

I thought it was a fairly simple choice, but I supposed she didn’t see it that way. "I won’t kill you or Luke," I offered. Not killing her would be hard if she gave me back the option, and if I didn’t, it wouldn’t be because I’d promised her anything. It would be because I didn’t want to face any of her children with that between us, not even Luke. "Not unless it’s you or them." I nodded at the babies. 

I had no idea what Luke would think, but I was pretty sure Jasra would accept my stated priorities. Unless she valued Luke more. But she’d said she didn’t. "I won’t tell them, either, what happened between you and me." And that wasn’t a favor to her, either. I studied her. "One way or another… Are you getting off on this? If you’re not, please stop torturing me. If you are—" I forced a smile that I in no way felt. "Then… Please, don’t, not while Brand and Clarissa are here."

She stared at me for a moment. Then she stood again. "Give me your right arm," she said.

That was the one I sort of had free. I didn’t really want to stop touching my son, but I really wanted those damned cuffs off. I’d have to put Clarissa down for the left cuff.

But i’d be able to pick her up again. I gave Jasra a genuine smile, knowing she wouldn’t see the fangs behind it, and offered her my arm. She might still try to kill me later, but she’d have a hell of a harder time when I wasn’t helpless.


End file.
